dmyamiyugi's Xanga

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 17:00:42 GMT

My last post was the beginning of summer...much has happened since then. I did find a riding stable and have started riding. I even jumped once, which was very exciting. I still need to call the stable that is near Eastern, but I might wait till I get to school to do that :] Set up a day to look at the stable and all.

I really want to keep up horseback riding and I also want to get a job...so I can pay for it xD

I am veeeeery happy to be going to Eastern though. I know I'm going to miss Iowa a ton...it was one of the best experiences I have ever had. But I know staying close to home and close to ones I love will be best. I'm going to have to work out on how to see Brandon....xD He said it is about a 45min-hour bike ride from UMich to EMU, which is awesome :3 I hope to see him more than I did last year~~

Um...what else. More or less, excited to finally move in tomorrow. I was going to today, but we had trouble with the cars and stuff, so I couldn't.

Not much else going on in the world of Dana lol

~<3

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Tue, 26 May 2009 22:52:20 GMT

Listening~ Jenn Grant: Dreamer

So, yesterday I felt terrible emotionally.

Today? Heh, better emotionally. Yet I think my stomach is gona...screw into itself heh I haven't had anything to drink or eat for dinner and still can't stomach anything. But I feel good...oddly.

This week I'm going to go down my list of stables and ranches, visit them, and hopefully start ridding soon. I just watched some stuff on youtube about horses, and got a good book about it. Yea, I'm reading again. Got to the library and got 7 books. They're due the 17th of June...I think I can read most of em ;P

So cha, library...and bad stomach haha But, for the first time in a few days, my eyes are looking up instead of down and I begin to feel that thirst for something new. I'm gona volunteer this summer at the Kent Special Ridding Center along with learning jumping at a stable.

I just need to find that connection with a horse again. Something deep down tells me that's where I need to go. It hopefully is guiding me right, and I will find out soon enough. But, for now, all I can do is hope, wait and dream of the next time I get to place my feet in the stirrups and hoist up.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Fri, 22 May 2009 14:18:56 GMT

So, I found a friends xanga today and got to a bit "facebook/xanga" stalking action. Hey, I'm not weird >.>

More or less, what I feel like saying is: write more here. Write more, say more and get yourself to talk more Dana. Nothing's wrong with that :]

And also, how much I value meeting all the people I met last semester. I kinda pushed my way into a spot, a replacement of sorts. And I was scared of that fact, I felt like I had to live up to something. Yet, I didn't. I was me, I did what I wanted to do, and I was not the same as she was. But I gained friendship none-the-less. And I met someone who has really allowed me to get a new look on life.

We all have our own opinions, and we should accept them. For instance, I am pro-rights with abortion. People would be pro-life. I care about your opinion, but not enough to put you down and say "You are wrong. I am right." Because really, where does that lead you? Fights, annoyment, anger? It's all unnecessary emotions. Just accept they do not agree. You will agree on other things. And really, when it comes down to it, if we all thought the same, the world would not be as interesting as it is :)

So though I am moving on.....and my moving on is hard and tough and not many people agree with what I am doing, I am gona do it. My grades from last semester fell, and I understand that.

But I want to ride. I would love getting up at six, walking down through rows of stalls. I wouldn't mind being the stable hand, who all she does is clean out stalls. I don't care. As long as I can be around them, hopefully ride those horses, will I be happy.

To do this, I need to get into MSU. And to get into MSU I need to try, write them a letter and push myself into the college. Just as I did last year.

.....i don't think colleges like me haha

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 13:52:59 GMT

:] so ya know how my last post said nothing is happening?

Well, on friday, something did happen. Something good and something bad. Bad: I finally got an answer from UM and it was decline.

Good: Brandon suddenly showed up at my door after I had work Friday. xD yea, kinda bad in that I had work the next day at 8 but I called in the next morning....sick >.> Haha yea...But a lucky think for Friday was that my roomate was going out clubbing. At first, she asked if I wanted to come.

This was before I knew Brandon would be there. I said no, because...well, I don't trust myself in clubs with achocal alone without him. I did acctually do quite good, in that the people we went with who were in another dorm had vodka and...rum? in their room and I did not have any.

So, anyway, I was like "Nyo, I can't go. Thanks so much for the offer" and then.....Brandon shows up. lol Yet, Rochelle still had to help us. See, here in Iowa, you can't go out even in the clubs till your 19.

brandon and I are about 4-5 months short of that lmao. Sucks, yea but oh well. So, she found a fake for him and a I found a fake for myself. We were all set, and ready to go :] Of course, some of my roomies friends had prepartied, so it was interesting. I've never seen someone that drunk. I wana meet her sober though, because Rochelle says she is a really briliant girl.

So, Brandon agree'd to go dancing. And it was awesome :D I mean, could have been better lol The music was a little ehhhhh (played some bad, bad remixes of stuff, and all of us just could not get into it) So we stayed for about an hour and a half I think...we left at around 1 or 1:30 i think. Then, of course, Brandon got a hotel cuz he hates staying in the dorms with me cuz...he feels like he is imposing on my roomie. But we managed to catch a taxi at about 2 am lmao. It was pretty sweet :)

And the rest, I will not explain. All I know is, my feet were sore (I have open blisters from my shoes lol) but I am happy. very happy.

I have one month left to get through. I feel confident in myself to get through it. it's gona be dificult, but next year....will have the same hard classes, but it will be better. It will be better :)

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 22:41:33 GMT

Really not having the best of weeks. I keep getting so tired, I can't think. I can't write, I can't do anything. Study, can't do homework. All I wana do is read and just not think. And I keep reading and watching things about love.

Which reminds me of Brandon and makes me sad. Yet, I'm addicted. The only things I enjoy to read and watch has been romance. It's sad. Cuz it makes me so sad and makes me cry and I wonder why I torture myself so. I'll watch the screen, eyes watering and the tears clawing to get out. And yet, I have to read it. It's my taboo. Or no, that is not the word...

It is something that makes me sad, yet I must read it. I don't know why.

My head hurts. I'm looking forward to going to the Symphony concert tonight...still should get work done. But I try and I accomplish nothing but I need to get stuff done because I have work tomorrow and I have a midterm I am not ready for and can't get my thoughts together god damnit, really hate this.

I'm gona be winded by the end of this semester. Let me get accepted already, I'm sick of waiting...

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 02:20:22 GMT

I could post a complicated, long rant on the meaning of life of sorts. The meaning one has to another, the meaning of people as a social whole.

And then...I could just tell you all I saw Watchman and you can figure it out for yourself. The only thing I wana really say is...life is so skewed. Life, as a second and as a whole span, is more skewed than we can imagine. And humans, humans are so...so twisted. We can twist anything to make it work. Or to not work. We can see thing and yet be compleaty blind.

Geniuses and idiots. A twisted and conplauted society we live it.
Maybe you don't understand. But I do not want to eplain it. I am tired and it is time for me to sleep. Maybe one day, I will ponder over this subject more.

All I know now is...well, I think far to much after i see a movie or read a book. I ponder greatly on many things. This movie was just an overload to the brain.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 23:20:39 GMT

I am seriously experiancing the WORST pmsing....ever. Yesterday, I felt like nothing could go wrong! I started my paper, finished my fiction writing group workshop...man, I was on a role!

Today?

I start doing homework and just diiiiiiie out xD My brain is fried omg...*cough* kinda happy to start birth control...cramps not as bad, mood swings not as bad...yea.....xD*cough*

8D yaaaaaaay lol

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 23:07:50 GMT

Alright, so I am finally starting to get back into writing. I am actually interested and excited to write a paper for my intro to English class :D

and of course, i am transferring xD lol but oh well. I dunno how long this high of writing will last. I try to explain this to people though...that even though the program here is great, I just can't do it. I mean...I am a writer. I am. But, it is all what you take out of school.

You can be a fabulous doctar. You can be the best. You can go to the best school. And get the bet degree. But you can still be unhappy. You can still get absolutly nothing out of the school if you're heart is not there. And saddly, my heart is not here in Iowa. I think it might still be sitting in MI, waiting for me. I mean, the reason my writings have flourished I think is becuase i know I am nearing the end, I know I am going home soon :] Lifts a weight from my shoulder's ya know?

So another thing that has been going on is that I've been seeing crew ppl. A lot xD I work down at the IMU and that's next to the boat house so I see them a lot. And kinda...well, ya know. Been ME for the last four years, and suddenly it's not. I felt bad. A bit dissapointed in myself. Kinda felt like a quiter.

So this feeling has been there awhile. Then, yesterday, as I was walking to Orch (I cross the ped bidge over the river) I look out and see the mens rowing. I had some Lion King music playing (I love Hans Zimmers stuff in this alblum <3 8D) And it's the soundtrack This Land (score).

I paused the song after watching the mens crew for awhile, feeling that joy of seeing something so familiar, yet something so distnant from me now. A mix of joy and slight dissapointment in myself.

As the passed under the river, I couldn't help but smile in the memory of rowing. (I even was critiquing their form hahah >D) At this time, I was already at least 75% of the way across the river, so I had to look back to watch them row under it. I had to start walking soon though to get to Orch on time.

I turned around, my lips creasing down into a frown as I remembered that I was no longer apart of it. No longer apart of the joy and intense beatings of crew. I rumaged in my pocket, pulling out my iPod and turning it on. I had so happened to stop at time 0:40 left in the song. It was sad for a moment as I started walking away.

And then the theme of the Lion King came on. The joyus, theme.

And I smiled. I smiled large and wide, and I even started to laugh. I crossed over the medal edge of the bridge, feet staling.

I glanced back as the crew people sailing under the bridge.

And I realized that...as much of it was me. And as much of it still rests in me. I no longer am it. I am not a rower anymore. I love it. I crave to do it again in the summer. But it is no longer my life, no longer my drive.

I've started to find a new drive. The whole rest of the way to Orch. I had a smile on my face, and I couldn't help but turn to the river with a smile.

....Man, it was such an epic moment though. This entry does NOT do the even justice. Not at all.

Anyway...i need to get back to homework. Been gone from it long enough :]

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 21:36:27 GMT

So, here I am. Back again :D I really don't have much to say. I guess meh roomie uses xanga a lot and I dunno. I wana be able to write something down about every day stuff. Cuz you never know when I might wana use it. Like everything that happened last semester? Will I forget it? What if I do, though i doubt i will. I mean, certain days. Like yesterday. It was a fantastic thunderstorm. I mean, though it wasn't epic, it was a very drawn out storm. So very nice to fall sleep to rain once again.

And also, I've been super excited! Though I have a ton to do next week, its like...keep thinking...six days and i'm home. Six days to see all the people I haven't seen in forever. Just...amazing.

Haha, write a journal entery right before i leave for dinner. Oh well. I needed to write something taht wasn't a evolution and history of life term paper hahah

feels really nice to just write abotu nothing for once. to let words just kinda flow liek a stream to have them just go. No spell cheak, nothing. Just words on a page, comming at you as fast as it can.

Well, to dinner I go :D

EDIT:
So, I wanted to write more anyway when I started before, but I kinda got distracted because of homework. But, here I am. back again. I'm just gona kinda write about nothing, this really isn't here for anyone to read haha.

Now, see. I do often wonder. How we go about it, you see.
"Go about what?"
"Well everything!"
"God, Eric I don't understand what you're talking about..." Jay placed her hand on her forehead, sighing. Eric chuckled.
"Too deep?"
Jay shook her head. "No. Just...dude, I have a final tomorrow. Stop distracting me with silly talk!" Jay tapped her pen on the paper lying in front of her, the page staring blankly back. Eric slowly rose from the couch, walking over to the kitchen island where she was working. He leaned his weight onto his right palm, raising his brow when his eyes caught her blank paper.
"Arn't you studying?"
Jay glanced up. "Yea. Why?"
"You don't even have your notes out!" Eric reached under her notebook, taking out a page of notes from her class.
Jay groaned. "I tried with them, read them all, now I'm trying to take notes on it to see if I can remember it!" She grinned widely. Eric's eyelids fell and he sighed.
"You're not gona get anything done that way!" He groaned. "At least when you say you're studying, study!" Eric began laughing, pushing Jay's shoulder.
Jay glared. "Stop pushing and let me work!"

~~

short, whatever. Felt good to write them for a bit :]

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 23:47:46 GMT

At first, it was the only college he got into. Then, he got accepted into all the others...

so then my thought was "well, he got in the nursing program here and a scholarship, so he will defiantly go here :]"

...and now he got into the nursing program at GVSU. So, where are my reasons now? My logical, perfectly sensible reasons?

I don't have any. I want him here, I want him to go to Iowa to be with me.

...i want to be selfish. But at the same time, I do not want him to come here for me. No. That...is just ludicrous. Silly.

...not right...he should not come all the way to Iowa and pay all this money just for me. I'm not worth over $25000 dollars. I just...am not. And his mom wants him to stay, stay near.

But I want him. I want him HERE with ME. Not there. Not where I can hug him, not where I can't hold him, not where I can see his face every day. His frown, his smile, his laugh...his voice.

I hate this. I want him here. I should not be selfish. I should tell him to go where it is best. I mean, he got into UM too...that school is better than UI. I dunno....what if GVSU is better than UI...? if so, then all he is doing is ruining his life coming all the way out here to be with me.

I wish love was the sensible way, I wish love WAS the way. it's not though...there's money, there's family, there's cost, there's...money. How far is love supposed to go....and when do you know when to just let them go...because you care about them so much, you have to let them have a good life. Have to let them go their own path, even if you are not on it.

Just for once you, I want to not let go. I was to be the selfish lover. But then again, wouldn't that be degrading the love I have?